Canada

It is with an extremely heavy heart that I write these words.

I write, not simply because I must, but that my heart dictates it. Were it not for this right to express my thoughts and transform them into words, I might have shrunk into myself and imploded.

I love Canada. So much so that sometimes, I can't stand being here. But I must speak truthfully. In actuality, Canada is fading from my memory and I only have some occasional snitches of emotion or a small, moving image in my head to remember it by.

If you know me and my history with Canada to any extent at all, you will be the first person to say that I will not simply leave it be. In fact, I will refuse to give it up or let it stay in my past with the will and resolve of a rhinoceros. But I feel so nothing here.

I thank God for Alexis. She's been such a God-send with her insight and realistic perception of her California. It's good to know someone understands, and that you can just pour your heart out without seeming odd or quixotic.

Times are troubling these days, and I'm so tired of dealing with things. Perhaps if I'd dropped life here and just went on my way to Canada, life would be better? I wouldn't have to deal with anything from here there.

The wishful thinking is driving me insane. And yet I can't stop. And all this is beginning to sound very familiar to some of you, isn't it?