Canada Depression

As you can tell from the title of the entry, I have come bearing two bits of news for you humans:

Canada, and my Depression.

Now I know I've been pretty mild on the I-Miss-Canada ranting the past few months, but the truth is, I've been trying to slowly numb myself to it.

And I've mostly succeeded. I know it's supposed to be something to look forward to, or some such thing, but the fact that it's so far away and whether or not I end up with it forever and ever-amen has yet to be decided yet, it's just too much for my brain (and my heart) to handle.

Hence, I've tried to somehow make myself completely nonchalant to Canada.

But nothing ever goes my way, and where I may have extinguished it, ever so often, there are instances where I'm just looking at something, or listening to someone, somewhere, and all of a sudden, I get a flash.

Yes, those of you who know me well (or read my old blog) will know what I'm talking about. The flash where I feel like I'm in Canada again, and all these old feelings of longing well up in me like a bubble that I never want to pop.

You see, the Philippines and Canada feel very different to me. The Philippines is like the home where I'll always be comfortable. But Canada... is like poetry in motion. It's like seeing everything in a completely different perspective. Even doing groceries feels different there. And I love that.

The flash is sort of like bringing Canada into the Philippines for just one kill second where everything just goes blank and I see some sort of a sunrise somewhere before it just fades away and I'm left with this ridiculously deflated feeling in my chest. Sigh.


Elsewhere, there is also my depression.

This isn't a depression where you generally just feel bad about life, suicidal etc... It's different.

I guess it's because I'm just so tired of work and school, but there are some days where I wake up in the morning and I realize that there's school ahead of me today and I just don't even want to wake up anymore, or live for the matter, and I feel like if I dropped dead, life would be so much easier.

I always end up in school.

Then there are those days when, right after I retrieve my work from Flora, I sit down at my dad's desk, which he so generally vacates for me to do my work on, and I sit, half way through signing OR's and just think about where my life seems to be going and what I'm doing right now. And I realize there are hundreds of other sixteen year olds out there that don't even have to see their parents' offices, much less work in them, and I feel so terrible--like I'm not living the normal teenage life that I want, carefree and happy, but instead, I'm terrified by the promise of work everyday after school. And I feel so wretched inside that I feel like just crying but I can't because it's like there's some kind of drought inside of me, but I know that I could die inside but the emotions just won't translate into tears or sobs and I won't even sniffle.

It's like someone just turned off the CRY switch in my internal command center and I'm just immensely frustrated by that because I hate not being able to express myself in even the most basic forms.

I hate my life.