You know how it's just endlessly surprising and ineffably comforting how God will somehow pick an old song from your archive, and you listen to it (in my case, on an iPod, half-asleep, on the way home) and just have to wonder why on Earth you ever stopped listening to it? Because it's so beautiful, and so perfect for the situation?
That's what happened to me tonight.
All of a sudden, "What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage..." arrests my movement, and I'm just sitting there and soaking in the pain and 感动-ness of it all.
I remembered when JV first commented to me when I put that line on my status once.
I remember that music video I made with it for Charmed, and how everyone was so touched by it, and infinitely saddened.
And I remember how Henrison used to say the song didn't really fit the video.
And then I was reminded of so many things about this one person. It's quite fitting actually. Quite fitting to the present state of things.
Prior to the aforementioned memories of this song, I can't even remember how I first heard of it (I think it was one of those crazy any-song-by-this-artist-random-download sessions I used to engage in, this particular one a fruit of hearing Possession and typing her name up in Kazaa. Yes, it was that long ago). I have no recollection of what I was listening to it for (everything I listen to, I listen to for a reason), before I threw it away into The Magical Place Where Songs I've Played More Than 200 Times And Have Grown Tired Of Or Outgrown Go (M.P.W.S.I.P.M.T.200T.A.H.G.T.O.O.O.G.).
Oh, have I neglected to mention what song it is? Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan.
It's amazing. I haven't felt this moved in such a long time. I can't believe I'm having a god-damn senti trip at 9:30 in the evening when my brain has been mushed and smushed by Math at the tutor, and will again be mushed and smushed by the Math QT tomorrow.
Charmed life that I live.
Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan (in bold are the lines that struck me hardest)
What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster; broken by the rule of love
And fate has led you through it (hope, here)
You do what you have to do (the concept of leaving the only person you love because of responsibility just fractures me)
Oh, and fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
But I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go (wise words)
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving; trying to escape this desire (too true)
The yearning to be near you (ngrrr... oh my god...)
I do what I have to do (here it is again... but not so much responsibility as it is doing the only think you can do, which is be strong, move on, and try not to overthink it)
Oh, the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
A glowing ember, burning hot, burning slow (this describes how I feel PERFECTLY)
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you (I can't believe how accurately the words describe my feelings)
I know I can't be with you (gah... knives to my heart)
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go (and the final, deciding reiteration of the words somehow make it real to me, and it hits me with real impact)
We all just need to know we can still feel other things aside from hurt sometimes. It keeps us sane.
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