There are several things I need to address, as they have been coming to me like baseballs out of a machine the last few weeks.
1. Aaron Lines music = Canada
2. Dreams
3. Mahjong!!!
4. iPod Nano
5. Going back to school
6. Driving lessons
7. Levels of fluency in Chinese
These are the things that've been running around in my head all month.
1. I was listening to Aaron Lines' Old Days New the other night on my iPod. It was dark in the room, 9 or 10 pm, and I was on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I tried to listen to the lyrics, because I seemed to have forgotten them already, and when I did, something about the texture of his voice, or the things I imagined when I heard the words, or the tune, or something just fractured inside me. All those times that I'd said "I miss Canada." were usually just putting words to something I knew that somehow I really felt inside, but at the moment, couldn't exactly call up. In short, I didn't really wholeheartedly mean it when I said "I miss Canada."
But that night, it was like that song was the final push through the brick wall of numbness around (as corny as it sounds) my heart. Because for me, my heart is where I store all my feelings, everything I've ever felt, but I've been able to somehow encase them in something of a quod of numbness such that I am not automatically tearing up every time I call up a feeling.
And whatsmore, I had already begun to somehow fear that I'd grown used to not missing Canada; that perhaps I'd numbed myself out and would never be able to feel what I used to feel for Canada way back when. The truth of the matter was that I just had to adapt--stop talking about it and thinking about it and move on.
But that night, that night I was really touched. That song knocked down the last brick and I felt so hurt and vulnerable and frustrated and passionate and alive because I knew that I loved Canada and the months and years couldn't weather that. That somewhere, deep down, under the right circumstances and situations (and music), there was a way that I could break through to that well inside of me where all those loving, lovely memories of Canada and the feelings I've always harbored for it are just there, waiting for me to tap into them again and drink up like there's no tomorrow.
I really think, and believe that that experience somehow... humanized me quite a bit. It was good to feel those feelings about Canada. Actually, it was good to just feel.
I don't care what some of you might say (I think you know who you are), I love Canada, and that's that.
2. I've had some dreams lately. Actually, not just lately. A few months now. Mostly about Henrison and Jackie. See, at one certain point in time, they were my two best friends in the world.
Then, at another certain point, I lost both of them. Just like that. Nothing stays, does it?
And then the dreams started. There was this one where Henrison and I were just talking to each other. He was laughing (something he hasn't done in my presence for a while now), and I was throwing in some retorts.
That struck a cord in me. Why? Well, talking isn't something we really do much anymore. Just talking, like normal, was amazing.
And then... I woke up. And went to school.
With Jackie, it's not so much talking as remembering some of the things we did. It was like a film of old memories all knitted together in one dream. There was that first time we met at her house, then when we talked at the Couples thing at her house again, and then the first gimmick with her, and with Lyndon and Adrienne, then the variety shows, and talking with her on the phone.
So far away.
I just felt sick when I woke up. At myself.
Then the other night, I read the gigantic card that they gave me during my birthday last year. And everything Jackie wrote there... I wonder if she meant any of it? Or if she did, I wonder if she still means it. All those texts she sent reassuring me--where are those now?
I felt like crying.
3. On to lighter things (no, John Mayer will not like me at all), over the last few days of last year, I learned to play a nifty little game called Mahjong. While the whole world was abroad or having gimmicks or spending time with their families, I was playing Mahjong with my grandmother and brothers. You see, I began watching this movie on YouTube (yes, EVERYTHING is on YouTube these days) called "Kung Fu Mahjong 2" ("雀聖 2: 自摸天后" Although 雀 literally means sparrow, here, it's used as a shortened version for 麻雀, which is the Cantonese/Hokkien term for "Mahjong" (麻將 is Northerner/Shanghainese). So if we were to translate the title literally, with 雀 to signify Mahjong, it would go, "Mahjong Sage 2: The Goddess of Self-Pick"). Anyhow, I found how Fanny, the main character, would yell out "自摸!" very interesting... and decided I wanted to do it myself.
So I asked Ahngin to teach me Mahjong. After about five minutes, I had gotten the hang of it and asked my brothers to play with me (bringing the total number of players in the family to a grand total of four).
So watch this video: It's the first part of Kung Fu Mahjong. Take note of what Fanny says from 01:59 seconds until 02:50 seconds. I'll transcribe it below:
Fanny: (draws a 三銅) 自摸! 清一色銅子! (draws a 七萬) 自摸! 混一色對對糊!
Other ladies: 差住! 差住! 差住! 差住! ...
Fanny: 自摸! 發財么九對對碰!
That's what I wanna do!
And on the last day of break before school... on the last game I played that night, I got a 自摸. Life was good.
As soon as school came, I started asking people who played. Kyle, Jacques, Edrian, Paolo, Pierre, Rod and Ivan all play. Kenn apparently does, but I'm not too sure. Walter used to, but doesn't anymore. Ryle plays on his cellphone. Enrico wants to learn.
Why does NO one know how to play Mahjong? Sad, sad batch.
Kyle is very good though--he plays frequently, and he apparently knows all the terms in Hokkien. Very cool.
Anyway, I'm arranging some sort of Mahjong party on the 13th (Saturday) just for four of us, so we can play, and who knows? It might become a habit.
Apparently, He (何) Laoshi (that's right, Hazel Wong, people) also plays. Apparently, she's been playing since she was five. How old is she now, like... 30 something? She's year of the ox... so...Elsewhere, a lot of Chinese teachers know how to play. Very nice. I will have to organize something.
MAHJONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. I bought myself an iPod Nano. It's blue. I love it. I miss having an iPod. And this time, this one is all mine. No sharing with brothers. No more having to wash out their songs and put in mine.
Damnit, I should've gotten the red one. Oh well.
It's great to have portable music with you everywhere. Whenever you feel the need to listen to a tune, just whip the iPod out and you're a few spins on the wheel away.
5. Going back to school has just been a serious headache. I've fallen asleep in class more times these past few days than I have the whole year. That's all I've got to (and need to) say about that.
6. DRIVE!!!!!!!!! I can drive! Yes, yes, I can!
Well... sort of. Andrew and Alex did a good job of making sure I learned to drive the manual before the automatic. The first time, I killed the engine a few times because I kept forgetting to press down on the clutch or something. By the end of the night, I was able to go forward and reverse already, but very badly.
Today, I got started with the automatic, since the manual had been taken by the driver to do some errands. I drove it like a pro! MAN!!! The automatic is LOADS better than the manual.
No clutch, no weird waiting, no slow-release of whatever and then slow-press down on whatever just ME AND THAT BABY!!!!!
Driving gooooood.
7. Levels of Chinese. Strangely, my Mandarin did not suffer at all over the break, although I hadn't even thought a single word of Mandarin. Actually, the break was all-Cantonese, such that my Taishanese has suffered immensely, as I now have this strange, off-kilter accent when I speak it. My Fukien is fine as always. I shall practice Taishanese!
So ELSEWHERE, here's what my playlist looks like right now:
阿杜 - 下雪
陳奕迅 & 梁漢文 - 拔河
許志安 - 爛泥
劉德華 - 練習
光良 - 都是你
光良 - 第一次
陳慧琳 - 兩個世界
周傳雄 - 寂寞沙洲冷
陳奕迅 - 兄妹
陳奕迅 - 單車
陳奕迅 - 大開眼戒
陳奕迅 - 明年今日
陳奕迅 - 全世界失眠
孫楠 - 燃燒
張智霖 - 愛情已死
古巨基 - 愛得太遲
古巨基 - 愛與誠
古巨基 - 夢中人
王心凌 - 我會好好的
陳慧琳 - 心太軟
陳慧琳 - 體會
郭富城 - 愛的呼喚
陳奕迅 - 十面埋伏
陳奕迅 - 夕陽無限好
周杰倫 - 髮如雪
周杰倫 - 晴天
許志安 - 他送你回來以後
陳慧琳 - 對你太在乎
Note: This is my Chinese-Only playlist. I have English and Filipino songs as well. Don't be afraid.
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